The Case of the Married Man

In December, I will enter into my third year of being single. Still an odd feeling for someone who has spent most of their early adult life in relationships. In the last (almost) two years of being “alone”, I’ve dated quite a bit. New York City, the quintessential melting pot. We have the finance guy who spends his mornings at Equinox and his weekends on the golf course. The tech or fintech guy; A transplant from San Francisco obviously. To be found running along the Westside Highway or playing a game of pickleball. And let’s not forget the creative. Most likely tattooed, spends his Saturdays shopping at Supreme, and commutes from his Brooklyn apartment via motorcycle.

Now, this isn’t everyone of course. Just a few of the main players I’ve come across in the empire state. As much as I’d like to get into the trials and tribulations of dating someone who considers golf a sport, this blog isn’t about them. This blog is about the married man.

They’re non-threatening. You can shoot the shit with them, there’s no overthinking your every word when it comes to chit-chat. You can be…yourself? How refreshing for someone like me who overanalyzes most interpersonal interactions. My first experience with a married man was with a former boss of mine. What started off as a nice friendship quickly escalated into a deep connection. We’d spend hours texting, talking, and believe it or not he helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. He was my sounding ear, a gentle companion who saw only the best in me and validated me along the way. Now, during this time he was not the only one in a committed relationship. I also had a partner. Now ex, but at the time, I was well into the 2nd year of a relationship. I’ll spare you the need to judge me, as I already have myself…about ten times over. Eventually, things with this married man came to an end. During our brief, but intense entanglement, he unfortunately was not unique in his constant complaints about his wife and how desperately he wanted to leave her. You know the deal. And each time he mentioned this to me, almost instinctually i’d recoil from it as if a hot flame. Because you see my dears, I had no interest in ever being with him. And trust me, that wasn’t because I was in a relationship.

I’d like to fast forward. Present day, I’ve had relations with multiple married men while being single. Majority of which have been without anything physical happening. Yet, very emotionally charged. And like clockwork, upon divulging their desire to flee, my interest plummeted. After all I like you as unavailable. I like you wanting me, yet not being able to have me. I like that you’re risking your entire life because of me. For me. I get off on that feeling of control. That I have the power, at any given moment, to fuck up your entire life. On the same side of this coin is my deep need and want to feel desired. And what’s more desirable than the attention from a man who is already taken? I can understand if you might be thinking, “This girl is so insecure she can only find validation in exploiting the weaknesses of unavailable men.” But I assure you, I am not the only woman who has and will ever do this. Which may account for some of the reasoning of why I’m writing this.

I urge you to look past all judgement as I’ve had to do the same for myself. I’ve had to and continue to deeply examine why it is I’m so utterly attracted to the unavailable.

The conclusions I’ve come to are still quite scrambled, but nevertheless enlightening. I have realized that I unconsciously carry a lot of anger towards men. I lack faith in the concept of if there are any “good ones” out there. Any, who aren’t willing to cheat on their partners. Or to severely fail them. So I exploit it. I do what I can to not be the losing party. And with this, I further fuel my thoughts that eventually everyone gets deceived. I lack faith in men. And I’m desperately afraid to get hurt. So I place myself in a position that keeps me in control. Where I’m the shiny, taboo thrill. Keeping myself at a constant distance with my feelings locked in a hidden chest. Yet ultimately, keeping myself closed off from experiencing love.

In my most recent engagement, I felt the all too familiar feelings set in. The thrill of seeing the message pop up on my iPhone, the intenseness of the secrecy, and the rush of power. That which lasts for about 30 seconds before the guilt sets in. The guilt of knowing that this man has a wife and children. And the shame that is associated not just for the collateral damage, but knowing that this is not in line with the woman I want to be. A woman who is compassionate, intelligent, caring with so much love to give.

I say what I say above as a reflection of my truth. I do not have the illusion that I am anywhere near perfect nor is what I say to be taken as gospel. It is simply my experience. Which after all, is the only perspective I can truly share. As I always say, take what you like and leave the rest. This reflection has been a long time coming. I’ve hesitated before to share this because of my own shame and judgement. At the end of the day I believe we are all doing the best we can with the tools we have.

It is never too late to be open to learning about oneself and adding to your toolbox.

With love,

L

A New New York

When I left New York City in July of 2019, I believed my time as a New Yorker was over. I kissed goodbye to my fifth-floor walk-up, shoebox apartment, that I shared with my best friend in Midtown East. I left the skyscrapers and early morning subway commutes for the six lane highways and breezy lifestyle of San Diego, California.

A question I have received countless times in the last month has been,

“Why did you move back to New York City?”

As I sit here at 10 pm on a Monday evening, my answer is still unclear. What I do know, is that throughout the first quarter of 2019 I was exhausted and depleted. My work/life balance was nonexistent and I was running on empty. I know that my relationship was failing in New York and I had hoped that a new beginning in a new city, would set us back on the right track. I know that we make decisions sometimes for the benefit of the “relationship,” but lose sight of our own needs in the process.

In the end, I know I had to leave New York to realize how much I love this city. And also, how capable and deserving I am of being in this city alone. You see, my entire adult life I have been in relationships. Some might call them, projects. Oh how I love a good project! All wonderful humans whom I wish only love and happiness upon. Nevertheless, for me, the notion of the “red flag” was more of an exhilarating challenge than a warning to run fast in the opposite direction.

Towards the end of 2020, I was deeply perplexed at what direction my life would take next. I had left California when my entire business went remote and moved back to Hawaii to spend time with my family. Although my love for my home runs deep, I knew I couldn’t see myself living in Hawaii long term. And as winter began to roll around, I knew where I wanted to be — New York. A city, so deeply wounded and ravaged by Covid-19. A city I knew would come back stronger than ever before. A city that raised me from the ages of 17-25. And a place I knew would always welcome me with firm, but open arms — Enveloping me in diversity, opportunity, power, and resolve.

As I sit in my cozy sublet, that I’ve now occupied for two months, I’m in awe of this city. As former residents trickle back into the city, sidewalks become crowded with French bulldogs and young NYU students drinking Matcha Lattes roam the streets, there is so much hope in the air. It’s as if we’ve all come out of hibernation after an exceptionally long winter’s nap. As we all know, our world isn’t “in the clear” quite yet. We have a lot of work to do not only for our fellow countrymen, but for the other nations that make up our beautiful world.

As we edge into summer, I find myself enjoying New York in a newfound way. These days, I move at a much slower pace. I spend ample time exploring alone, creating my own experiences all over the city. I am slowly but surely easing out from under my rock and am welcoming the gift to learn about my fellow divine beings. Many days I sit in the park, fascinated, silently watching people go about their lives. I am finding there is so much beauty in this city if I am willing to receive it. To breathe all its goodness in, deeply, knowing how loved and worthy I am of abundance.

L

This is Blooming in the Fourth

I depart for New York City in three days. As I look out into the Hawaiian Pacific, I am overwhelmed by gratitude. In the last seven months, I have been wrapped in a warm blanket - held tightly by my family; given the space and freedom to grow in familiar and safe surroundings.

I have been blessed.

This safety net that has been so solid and steadfast, has made leaving feel daunting. Just like that I have spiraled into a fear of uncertainty. “What will my life look like?” “Will I be lonely?”

“I’m so excited to be single in New York for the first time!” “Being single is horrifying. I’m so alone.” 

Can you relate? 

Currently I’m laughing to myself because you’d think after years of therapy and self reflection I’d have grasped the reality that life itself is unknown. That I’d float into this new stage of my life with nothing but ease, grace, and acceptance. Here I come on my cloud with no qualms or reservations in sight! 

And I’m laughing again. 

A year ago, our world was entering what would be the most uncertain time we’ve faced in my lifetime thus far. Our lives as we knew them were rapidly changing. Collectively, we entered the unknown. After the initial shock wore off and anxiety was no longer at Defcon status, I found peace in this unity. And as my life began to shift out of control I clung to this newfound solidarity. 

I’ve debated how “deep” I’d like to go on this blog. That speaking openly of my intimate life might be a mistake. What I’ll share is this. In December of 2020, I let go of a relationship that was no longer serving me. Truth be told it hadn’t served me in quite some time, but as a serial “fixer,” I was determined to MAKE IT WORK. The all caps is to emphasize the white knuckling intensity of my efforts. Our story ended in 2020. Yet, I hold no ill will for this person. He is, like myself, another spark of light in this wondrous world. After all, he gave me one of the greatest gifts of all. A chance to get to know myself. And an opportunity to find my voice. 

Through this time alone, I came up with the idea of starting a blog to share some of my perspectives, travels, and life experiences. Blooming in the Fourth was born from the process of my evolution - a process that will never be over. A slow and steady climb of me rising into my highest self. It is believed that in the fourth dimension we exist only in love and light. A level of consciousness that sees my fellow humans and myself as divine sparks of light. Interconnected individuals walking this earth with our own unique purpose. 

It is highly probable that by now you might ask yourself, “What is this girl on??” I wouldn’t fault you. My views on life might seem a bit hokey to you and that’s perfectly okay. 

This blog is about finding my purpose as a wonderful, dynamic, loving and divine being. It is about finding joy, peace, and lots of humor along the way. To hold a space for myself and others to stand in the light. I invite you on this journey with me. All are welcome. 

L